As Covid 19 started to snake through the U.K. and we burrowed deeper into the apartment, I welcomed an old friend – hello insomnia. In this short series, I get even more personal as I share journal entries from my first days of lockdown in the U.K. and the changes it brought. These are my #CovidDiaries.

April 7, 2020

Week Three. I thought I was ok. I thought I wasn’t anxious but every night I awake at 4am and I can’t go back to sleep. It starts with my mind; it seems to slowly rev up and shift into gear. And I try to stop it, switch off the ignition, but it persists. And then I start thinking. Thinking about everything. I ruminate and ruminate and keep myself awake. Or is this anxiety? Because I feel it building as I lay there. I slowly begin to feel cold, then I need a sweater, or a blanket and my breathing quickens. I try to breathe and be still, but my mind wanders and latches on to anything that traps me and sends me in a spiral. Slumdog Millionaire is the perfect trap. The movie that I thought was happy but isn’t. That’s the peril of a gap in my memory from post-partum blues. I didn’t remember how sad that darn movie is. I watched it with the kids on Sunday and told them it would cheer us up. None of us have recovered. I keep thinking of the poverty, the suffering, the struggle and of Jamal and his enduring love for Latika.

I think of work. I think of the insecurity I feel. Even as I sit here and write and try to expunge the emotions, they come rushing in. I think of this terrible disease sweeping the world and the fact that we are struggling to make sense of it. That we are locked in our homes like sitting ducks. Waiting. Waiting to catch it. Waiting for the inevitable. Waiting for it to be over. Waiting for release. Waiting to be able to buy Paracetamol. I admit I am afraid. There is some measure of terror. To think that something deadly is simply floating in the air and that we can catch it is dreadfully frightening. The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has it, he is now in the intensive care unit. How frightening is this for the nation?

And I think of what’s next on our journey. On my journey. And what I want to affirm for myself.

I affirm my health and my family’s wellbeing. Lord we are well. Our lungs are clear and strong, and our bodies are healthy.

Thanks for stopping by. How did you deal with the early days of lockdown? Share your comments. Remember to hit ‘like’ and subscribe. I post new content each week.

© Arlene Amitirigala 2020. All Rights Reserved.

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